Dagon Argues With Desire And Misbehaving Photoshop

I had desire to do something worthwhile today.

Yes real desire to create something.

Something drawn with beauty, pain and angst all rolled in one, unleashed huge ball of creativity instead of desire to cat nap in grumpy catdoggy style.

Real desire, even finally installed my Photoshop after months of procrastination and the dark wallow of feeling useless.

Dreamed images I would conjure, finally days of looking through few retrieved lost files, few struggles with bugs and glitches that baffled me, codewords mis-typed, forgotten passwords finally got it installed in spite of all the woes, things that fuck up fucked up.

Got the canvas up, first lines drawn and then it happens that blue ball of something happening  but nothing happening of Vista rears its ugly head.

Photoshop misbehaved, program freezes in spite of fact I got more ram, more memory then I ever had on computer, computer fails, Photoshop fails.

Fuck! Fuck off damn you computer!

I have failed, so here I am cranky as hell about ready to argue with quotes because I do that well but too tired, too cranky and feeling utterly useless. I guess I am suppose to go bed instead.

Here some quotes I plan to argue with later after very long cat nap:


Desire Quotes versus Dagon's Quote Arguments of Bitterness and Despair:

John Adams:

A desire to be observed, considered, esteemed, praised, beloved, and admired by his fellows is one of the earliest as well as the keenest dispositions discovered in the heart of man.

Dagon's Quote argument:

Yeah I observed, considered, held you at high esteem, praised, devoted my self to beloved and admired with keenest dispositions of my obsessive queer heart until I swear it broke and I did it more because my life is pitiful mess and my Photoshop wouldn't let me draw. Woe is me. Everything I touch and doodle with desire will turn to catdog doo-doo

Unknown Author:

A person shows what he is by what he does with what he has.

Dagon's Quote argument:

A person with diarrhea uses whole lot toilet paper and gets raw ass, whines in pain too.

Andy Munthe:

A shot glass of desire is greater than a pitcher of talent.


Dagon's Quote argument:

Persistence may eventually win out, but pitcher of talent can speed up the process, a shot glass of desire can easily be dropped
and crushed like numerous hopes and dreams if one really fucking clumsy.

_Too grumpy to argue with rest, I will do it later. Saving this here to inspire me to bitch about something latter._

Henry Hazlitt:

A strong passion for any object will ensure success, for the desire of the end will point out the means.

Willam Hazlitt:

A strong passion... will insure success, for the desire of the end will point out the means.

Robert Browning:

Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?

Socrates:

Be as you wish to seem.

Bill Cosby:

Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.

Raymond Hollingwell:

Desire creates the power.

Mario Andretti:

Desire is the key to motivation, but it's the determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal - a commitment to excellence - that will enable you to attain the success you seek.

more quotes on desire



This song makes me happy posting it.

Past, Present and Future Women or fake Men?

The Past, Present, and Future by Shangri-Las

- Peak Position;#59 in 1966

lyrics:

(Past), Past, well now let me tell you about the past.

Past is filled with silent joys and broken toys,

laughing girls and teasing boys,

Was I ever in love? I called it love- I mean, it felt like love.

There were moments when, well, there were moments when.

(Present), Go out with you? Why not?

Do I like to dance? Of course,

Take a walk along the beach tonight? I'd love to,

But don't try to touch me, don't try to touch me

'Cause that will never happen again,

Shall we dance?

(Instrumental Interlude)

(The future), Tomorrow? well, tomorrows a long way off.

Maybe someday I'll have somebody's hand.

Maybe somewhere someone will understand.

You know I used to sing- a tisket a tasket a green and yellow basket.

I'm all packed up and I'm on my way and I'm gonna fall in love,

But at the moment it doesn't look good

At the moment it will never happen again

I don't think it will ever happen again.


Past, Present and Future Women or fake Men?

Dagon_Xanith started this discussion 1 minute ago


Journal Entry written about 2 hours ago by Dagon_Xanith

Being A "Past" Woman by Dagon Xanith

Where were you when she was a "present" woman?

Were you her friend? Did you even care what lurked inside her?

Now that she is "past" why do you want her back?

What do you even have to offer her?

Will you offer more rejection, alienation and pain?

I have already had my share.

For years you told me to shut up, stay pretty, just wiggle cutely on dance floor,

Or seductively in dungeon as I crawled on all fours in bondage but even then I was twenty pounds too over weight,

Numerous other things that wasn't worthy of kindness or respect.

Did you really care to know what happen to me when I had no where to go?

Do you even grasp the pain of knowing you have never had place of your to go, that still don't have no where to go?

Yet your gesture is sweet but what does it mean if I show up as one of your "past" women at your event?

Am I just another person to pay a cover charge and nothing more?

Will go to your event, go home once more alone to cry?

With lonely ache deep within my inner thighs I cannot reach, no one I am again just alone with that "past" woman I can not destroy.

And I know no one will ever care or even understand but I write this for myself even though I know most of my words get discounted any way because they can be.

Now heavier, hairier, definitely more bald and more freaky looking then I was when I was her I accept the pain that made her "past" woman hiding under my clothes yet I know there still no where to go.

Would you or did already edit me out of your life because I didn't fit into your gender ideas already?

So what is it now? Where do I fit? Is it not for me but for those women who don't want to lose certain connections that of course I don't fit, I am not included in the picture its only for those former women they miss, not I.

Of course you know you won't see me being embraced unless I cut my body up more, magically re-shape to male idea to welcomed as future male any party for men but of course women who shunned me and have never been there for me except for few to tear my heart in two are me to pay to come to their event, because they finally decided to include Past, Present and Future Women or what is deemed as fake Men?

Of course anything I say will scolded and looked down at but they haven't spent years I have enduring what have nor do they care if I live or die, suffer alone with no one to love, with lovers who are unkind and treat me let second class being because that's all they think I deserve.

They don't live in world gives nothing but put downs and "No" because no one else knows what is like to truly be fake man who has female past except me because I am suffering alone, and they are not. I don't care if anyone disagrees. I am alone. Don't you ever think about touching me again.

Turkey Day of A Loser

Yes miserable in more then one way. Turkey day was really bummer just like my life.

61 Hours of No Smoking

DX's Friends collage of Dodie in Heaven, Mikkimayfly and I in gasworks park


I have absolutely no clue other now why I have agree to this whole sacrifice and self denial crap like stop smoking right now when I really would love to go skydiving with no parachute. Life sucks and why in fuck am I even trying to save it I got no fucking clue. We all die eventually. Dagon growls and grumps, mumbles "Oh yeah baby give me more misery, yeah I am creating all this hell for your amusement. Happy yet? I really hope you get better of all good stuff out of this deal, because I sure not. On top of it all there is no hope why did I make this sacrifice for some one most time I can't fucking stand? I got no fucking clue."





And now 70 hours almost 3 days now of no smoking.





I held out 79 hours the pain just got to severe maybe I hold out longer next time. I feels like I am running fever and someone been knocking the crap out of my back, chest, stomach
I will try again soon. Right now I am too big of loser and chicken shit.




Loser by Angerfist

lyrics

I'm telling you this kid is wicked dumb

Incorporate the message:

You're a peon

And that's for thinking you can save me out

Lyric for lyric

Your fat ass would have more of a chance in a straight dog fight

Yo, you fucking wannabe all the gangsta, you disgust me

But the truth is you're as bitch as all people

You ain't a killer, understand that?

Go back to gimmick

Paint you face if it makes you feel wicked

But the bottomline is this:

You're a bitch and I can break your pride and bones in a minute

Dissing you wasn't even worth production,

In either physical or verbal callback

I beat you like percussion

You're fat whack motherfucker, end of discussion

A-asshole

[..] violence

Should all drown in [..]

A-asshole [4x]

Dick-dick, pussy [4x]

Dick, pussy

A-asshole [4x]

Dick-dick, pussy [3x]

A-asshole

Dick-dick, pussy [4x]

A-asshole

Dick-dick, pussy

A-asshole [?x]

[..] is full of shit

Let go you motherfucker

You miserable piece of dick brain horse shit

Slime sucking son of a whore bitch!

Hahahaha

Grumpy Lessons About Labels, Compulsions & Change by Dagon Xanith

Grumpy Lessons About Labels, Compulsions & Change by Dagon Xanith

I must admit I use to be a nicer person that had lot more friends. I still have all those things I have inside me that I do today but I changed into this misanthropic miserable Catdog creature that hides out on the Internet and is pretty darn miserable and grumpy.

I don't think people truly understand fully grasp the agony of living in Catdog skin and I am not sure if I would want to wish it on anyone.

Yet I know all have emotions, periods of life where our bodies and our emotions aren't most comfortable places, where we lose something and not sure how to replace it, where we struggle month to month trying to attend those daily things we need to do to exist or running away trying avoid them. What little I know about Human beings to all Human beings to some extent our lives from time we wake to close our eyes revolve around all the things we think we have to do, or must do, or finding creative ways to live while keeping a roof over heads, and all those important things we desire and like to have do get paid for.

Sometimes some of those things we really like aren't crucial to our survival they become compulsions like developing vice to have lots of M&M of certain color available at all times to smoking cigarettes, having a good bottle of wine at dinner, cocktails or even joint in front of some nice internet porn before masturbating or sexual romp to get ourselves in the mood.

OK so I gave up the sex years ago for various painful and equally miserable reasons, then shortly after I quit seeking people to do S&M with too sixteen years or so go and began full time wallow in the lifestyle of the reclusive Catnapping Catdog but its still very much a part of no matter how long and far away I am from those desires or grumpy misanthropic excuses why I quit doing them.



Labels are really great if you searching for specific thing but just because I label myself numerous things that others do, there are few truly a Catdog, only I am the true Catdog but some come close to me and maybe even better at managing similar dualities they are never like me. We have all these roles, these things we label and assign value of importance but ultimately personally means nothing if it doesn't get me where I like to be, add to sense of happiness, purpose and belonging in my life and only fuel that angst driven Catnap I do so well to avoid certain things. I excell at napping until point I can't always run away via the Cat nap. I am awake and I am miserable and no amount of drugs, therapy or outside things can really make that agony go away.

It just gotten better I quit smoking today man I really feel the addiction and craving to center of my being aching wanting it like no other craving for one that had almost as long of very personal nature. I remember where it started it started the first person who seemed to care and desire for me, that warm comfortable place when I curled upon his lap, rubbing my face against his whiskers as he talked about his day, memories in time and secrets within his heart as I shared mine. One day he told me about cancer and dying, had plastic tube in throat he still craved his cigarettes and I only always had cigarettes around me never thought of them as bad. I associated them with this lap, this man, curled up in his arms as he light another cigarette. I remember he had oxygene mask and how I curled up in his arms as we talk quietly the white plastic tube in his throat and how he let me touch. He got to me to go to store to get him cigarettes as I always did then he hide in shame and I didn't understand why. I never saw or cuddle him again. Shortly after he was rushed to hospital and a month died in ICU.

Yet I had cigarettes, I had my Grandpa every time I light it and brought it to my mouth, inhaling and remembering his comfort. I will really miss it for its really let it go away. To make that change, to let go of the lie, let go of believe, the compulsion I have had and that label called being a smoker.



Fergie "Labels or Love" Lyrics

Shopping for labels.. shopping for love

Manolo and Louis.. its all Im thinking of

Shopping for labels.. shopping for love

Manolo and Louis.. its all Im thinking of

Already know what my addiction is

I be looking for labels.. I aint looking for love

I shop for purses while I walks out the door

Dont cry.. buy a bag and get over it

And.. Im not concerned with all the politics

Its a lot of men I know I could find another

and I know that Im always happy when I walk out the store.. store

Im guess I'm Supercalifragisexy [she stole that from prince!].. nothing to be playing with

I love him.. hate him.. kiss him.. diss him try to walk a mile in my kicks

(CHORUS)

Loves like a runway but which one do I love more

No emotional baggage.. just be festive with Dior

Loves like a runway so whats all the fussing for

Let's stop chasing those boys and shop some more

1,2 1,2,3 turn the lights on

I know I might come off as negative

I be looking for labels.. I aint looking for love

But relationships are often so hard to take

and Prada dresses never broke my heart before

And.. ballin's something that my feet are with

I'ma do the damn thing, watch me do the damn thing
.
Cuz I know that my credit card will help me put out the flames

Im guessing Supercalifragi-sexy.. nothing to be playing with

I love him.. hate him.. kiss him.. just Im trying to walk a mile in my kicks

(CHORUS)

Gucci.. Fendi.. Prada purses.. purchasing them finer things

Men they come a dime a dozen.. just give me them diamond rings

Im into a lot of bling.. Cadillac Chanel and Coach

Fellas boast but they cant really handle my female approach

Buying things that's hard to say

Rocking Christian or Leger.. Manolo or Polo taking photos in my Cartier

So we cant go all the way.. I know you might hate it but

Im a shop for labels while them ladies lay and wait for love

Lifestyles of Dysfunctional and Unfair BDSM Warriors by Dagon Xanith

Image above is alter image of the Allen Lee Davis Execution photos from Crimemagazine.com,
I own no rights to images nor responsibility for the photos taken I am just twisted digital artist "experimenting" with images.


Lifestyles of Dysfunctional and Unfair BDSM Warriors by Dagon Xanith

There is saying that mikkimayfly reminded me of during our last take Dagon outdoors excursion where she was kind enough to take me to bookstores and put up with my post Okra with oatmeal digestion process reminded me of, "Some S&M relationships really put the fun back in dysfunctional" yet some just aren't fun and do nothing but create confusion, bad feelings and just make you question your entire existence in future of dropping your drawers and trying to find humpy dance moment with anyone. Of course it gets really confusing if you're convinced Alice and his rabbit hunting friends show up thinking you are finally going to return to Summertime and live happily ever after with a divine puppy dog whispering divine and sacred knowledge for rest of your existences living in bliss and happiness for eternity.

I am bit under the weather and I really want to write more about the Gaelic concept of "fir fer" in regards to being Queer Sadomasochist in relations with others around BDSM that was inspired by my "Eternal Inner Little Druid Wizard" in more in-depth but I really need another nap so I just give you highlights and I am not going to get into details of my own battles with this because you're not a part of my "peanut butter jelly sandwich" brigade.

I have been doing a whole lot of research in recent years around certain spiritual concepts and practices. One that I have been reflecting on is concept of "fir fer" and this is what it means;

FIR FER: The rules which governed Celtic battle. The Gaelic words mean "fair play."

I haven't been able to find a whole lot of stories about this word except within my own life be it virtual or non-virtual and I got to say its been interesting this last year with observing and expanding my understanding of what this in last year.

In order to understand "fair play" one must understand what its like to not be treated fairly be it within our lives or doing so to others and what our motivations are around it. Most people live in denial of their dysfunction and unfair roles of a warrior be it within a BDSM or their vanilla lives. People often won't look at true realities of dysfunction in their own lives and often will blame and be hostile to others or various other equally unsavory and unpleasant aspects of their justifications of their behavior and attitudes they have towards themselves and others.

We all have some type of flaw, some moment where we are just acting pissy and grumpy towards others or our ourselves these moments can be great teachers in many ways. I can say personally I am still working on this. Sometimes its lot like want or trying to have Chocolate pudding every day but eating nothing but pudding isn't always the best thing for anyone to have be they Adult or a big grumpy Catdog kid. This Catdog will end this post here because I know major just "ain't" going to get any of what I am writing anyway. Which is makes me feel the liverwurst sandwiches are really piling up in my Wizard Apprentice's trash can but what can one do? Sometimes very little in regards to those that exist around me outsider of Antarctica and Ice Cube City. Anyway I end it here thanks all for showing me what in my mirror so I can truly see the truth of what is on the battleground.

By the way for those don't get certain words its intentional the below discusses codewords. I gave the passwords but that was intentionally to not everyone who comes up uses the passwords will get instant access to the meanings behind them unless they are a part of peanut butter jelly sandwiches or chocolate peanut butter cup selected people.

Dagon's Virtual Tree Fort, Codewords List

Passwords will only be given to those in my in my inner circle of trust, have access to my fortress of gloom and doom.

Important words must be remember when ever speaking publicly to me about important matters and I will work on making even less sense to the "outsiders" and included sometime tonight I will put list together of all the key actors and actress I am observing in my virtual tree fort and deem outsiders and those worthy of secret codewords.

By the way for those don't get certain words its intentional the below discusses codewords. I gave the passwords but that was intentionally to not everyone who comes up uses the passwords will get instant access to the meanings behind them unless they are a part of peanut butter jelly sandwiches or chocolate peanut butter cup selected people.

Seriously though there is a lot of words people in certain groups use or enforce others to use to belong to their secret little club house of "inclusion" and as someone who often excluded from most things I got my own words and if you're really nice to me just maybe I give you the decoder ring to my secret words. And just maybe if you'll trust me enough to trust me with yours.

Password for friends who have to inner circle of trust will be "peanut butter jelly sandwiches"

Acquaintances and those I call friends but not sure if they are friend or foe the password will be "chocolate peanut butter cups"

Important terminology to be used or heard from myself and Catdoggy kitty-puppiness fallen Angel self often used will be the following:

Catdog or some combination of puppies and kittens, for those who know me and follow me they know they are referring to myself and special strange duality that is me.

Puppy or divine dog, a few of my friends knows who I am referring to and for future reference it will replace all spiritual sacred moments not to be repeated.

Antarctica

Ice Cube City

South Fetland City

North Fetland City

Underworld

Summertime

The Great Fall

Otherworlds

Tinkerbell

Mirrors

Chocolate Pudding

Okra with oatmeal

Polar bears

Walrus

Cracked Eggs

Alice

Rabbit hunting

Food

Primates

Human Petrie Dishes

Evil Gerbils

Humpy dance

Butt wiggles

Liverwurst sandwiches

Silent ones

Mr. Pants

Casting my pearls

Swine

I will add more in future but these important words to be know in regarding to me.



BlutEngel - Suicide

Lyrics

We will together - or we live apart.

Nothing last forever - love will break your heart.

It's a kind of feeling - we are crawling for.

To a long cold way - through the naked floor.

One day you left me - you did it on your own.

Didn't have the chance to talk with you alone.

I'm walking through the night

And i know hope's in sight

So keep your hands from stupid things,

From stupid things...

--------------------------------------------


One of the movies friend and I in past have watched together. Thank you for being my friend and always being loyal to me no matter what.

May I be there for you selfless, lovingly in your time of grief, pain, and not fail your ass but remember to be kind, loving and ask often, "How can make you feel loved, special and remind you that I am so glad you're alive in my life?"


(Don't Fear) The Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult

Lyrics



All our times have come

Here but now they're gone

Seasons don't fear the reaper

Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain..

we can be like they are

Come on baby...

don't fear the reaper

Baby take my hand...

don't fear the reaper

We'll be able to fly...

don't fear the reaper

Baby I'm your man...

Valentine is done

Here but now they're gone

Romeo and Juliet

Are together in eternity...

Romeo and Juliet

40,000 men and women everyday...

Like Romeo and Juliet

40,000 men and women everyday...

Redefine happiness

Another 40,000 coming everyday...

We can be like they are

Come on baby...

don't fear the reaper

Baby take my hand...

don't fear the reaper

We'll be able to fly...

don't fear the reaper

Baby I'm your man...

Love of two is one

Here but now they're gone

Came the last night of sadness

And it was clear she couldn't go on

Then the door was open and the wind appeared

The candles blew then disappeared

The curtains flew then he appeared...

saying don't be afraid

Come on baby...

and she had no fear

And she ran to him...

then they started to fly


They looked backward and said goodbye...

she had become like they are

She had taken his hand...

she had become like they are

Come on baby...

don't fear the reaper

"Up" and going after a loss

Usually my friend and I watch horror movies but tonight we watched kid's animation movie called "Up" which sweet movie about this couple, one bossy wild girl and shy adventure seeking boy who grow up with hoping to take a great adventure to go on this waterfalls in South America where they live in their dream house there. Sadly they never get there even in old age, sadly the woman dies leaving her husband alone to fend world in their house is stuck in middle of a construction zone. Cute adventure ensues. The most touching quote in the movie that I really liked was from this scrap book was that under "Things to do" it is last thing she wrote before she died, and it says in so many words, "Thank you for my dreams and adventures with our life together, now its time for you to have adventures of your own adventure." He did exactly that.

I wish for myself it was that easy for myself as in this Pixar movie but I will figure it out some how even with all the losses and various other tragedies in my life. I wish finding your own dreams and adventures were as easy asit is in the movies and books. There is so many things that I could be easily caught up in bullshit and often in, be it heart breaks and disappointments of life of all kins but as long I breathe maybe just maybe just maybe there can happier days filled with adventures and other possibilities. Yet even with adventures its not always easy or always pleasant. I figure I have went through so much unpleasant crap in my life around loss, I want something else now. I am just not sure how.

Its amazing to watch and observe others at times with their emotions and dramas. Its interesting watching people get so trapped in their own grumpy old dude stuck on the porch in middle of construction zone with no escape balloons. I am just as guilty of this I got constructions workers invading my home starting next week, wrecking havoc in my life with no escape balloons and it really sucks. It sucks to be in place no hope, no balloons and people intruding in my little private sanctuary of my batcave and I can't do crap about it. And I am not alone in this place.



Voltaire- Almost Human

What did I ever do to you

that you should treat me this way?

is it really such a crime

for an angel to speak his mind?

in time I'll try to shed some light

if I were a big boy I wouldn't cry

but since I'm not a big boy I'll have to cry

what did I ever do so wrong

that you should cast me from grace

though I love to rule in hell here

how I miss the taste of heaven

its soft and cool embrace

if I were a big boy I wouldn't cry

but since I'm not a big boy

I'll have to close my eyes

and picture what's it's like

I'm just like you

made by he

despised by they

I'm almost me

I'm nearly human look at me

I'm almost a human being

I'm just like you

made by he

despised by they

I'm almost me

i'm nearly human

pity me I'm almost a human being

I still remember your light

and it was streaming down

and burning out my eyes

If I were a big boy i wouldn't cry

but since I'm not a big boy

i'll have to close my eyes

and picture what it's like

I'm just like you

made by he

despised by they

I'm almost me

I'm nearly human look at me

I'm almost a human being

these tears are real

I'm jealousy I'm spite and hate

to the core I'm mean

I'm nearly human look at me

I'm almost a human being

I'm just like you

better than he

to hell with they

I'm almost me

I'm nearly human

Pity me I'm almost a human being

don't touch me ahhh

I couldn't bear the thought of it now

don't touch me ahhh

I couldn't bear the strain

don't touch me ahhh

I couldn't bear the thought of it now

touch me touch me touch me

don't touch me touch me touch me